Mind4Youth

 Author: Raven Richardson

Family dynamics are every child’s first introduction into the complex world of social relationships and emotional expectations. As a vulnerable child, you are constantly at the mercy of your caretakers. You have no say in anything, because you don’t know anything yet. Freedom becomes a right that is gained through aging and the power of knowledge. 

However, for many people reaching adulthood, the path to freedom isn’t necessarily linear. Your family— especially your parents— are people too, which means they are inherently flawed just like every person is. In a novel exploring the ups and downs of parenting, the author team of dedicated researchers and mentors Hisham Altalib et al. clearly state that “The family unit is immediately put under pressure with the arrival of children”. Obviously, adding new humans with no life experience to your household is bound to take some getting used to. As expected, not every parent is going to be amazing at adjusting to such.

There’s no cut and dry guide to being a parent, so mistakes are inevitable. A common and often very damning error parents tend to make is letting their own untreated mental health illness bleed onto their children. This trauma is often  imprinted onto the child, who then may carry on the cycle of bad behavior and negative emotions into future relationships and generations. Aptly titled, this phenomenon is known as “generational trauma”. For example, a person who experienced spankings as a child may grow up and become a parent who thinks that beatings are an appropriate response to correct their child’s misbehavior and make them upstanding citizens. According to decades of research, the exact opposite is much more likely. While summarizing a study on the correlation, Licensed psychologist Jonathan P. Schwartz et al. claim that “Experiencing corporal punishment has also been associated with increased risk of depression as an adult… along with attitudes approving of violence and deficits in conflict resolution…” Abused children are more likely to become abusive adults who also may tolerate abuse themselves. In other words, traumatized people can traumatize others. 

So where does this connection leave the average child who has the framework of their conscience shaped by their early experiences? They often grow into damaged adults with tumultuous relationships or “trauma bonds”  because of “… involvement with peers that will be accepting of deviant behavior… Therefore, association with this negative peer group lays the foundation in the family of origin for further antisocial and later violent behaviors (Schwartz et al. 2006)”. More often than not, they perpetuate the cycle of emotional distress because that’s all they know. Thus, generational trauma claims another victim.

Unfortunately I am a living, breathing example of how trauma can shape your conscience and mind. I grew up with a narcissist, untreated bipolar father and a mother who was shouldering the burden of having a full time job, a house to keep tidy, and two hungry children to feed every day. My mother was constantly exhausted from working so hard all the time, only to be berated by an emotionally abusive husband on top of everything. I was cursed with abandonment issues from both parents. My self esteem was below sea level and I was so, so lonely. I truly believed that everyone would always be too busy for me because not even my family had the energy to emotionally invest in me. My father constantly belittled me, so I also believed I didn’t deserve any emotional support— because in my head I wasn’t good enough.

I had no idea how to navigate through life with any semblance of emotional regulation or self respect. The small naive child who was the target of all that abuse and emotional detachment in my childhood was now piloting my adult body— and she had a hard time realizing that she was allowed to make choices about anything. Predictably, an abused person gravitated towards me and I welcomed him with open arms because all of his behaviors and horrible things he said felt familiar. That person happened to be my first boyfriend— whose abuse ultimately broke my mind so severely that I was diagnosed with panic disorder and PTSD when it was finally over. His behavior imprisoned me like a jail cell, yet for some people a prison is still a home if they have nowhere else to go. I didn’t know how to do better, so I wanted something that I had always had… even if it was destined to be self destructive.

Looking back on that era seems contradictory at first: because why would I be upset that he left me if he was so godawful? I should have been feeling a sense of newfound freedom, but that wasn’t the case because of a type of relationship known as a “trauma bond”. Trauma bonds are highly turbulent with many ups and downs, and often become unhealthily addictive because of how wonderful they are during what many psychologists refer to as “the calm”. But that peace never lasts, because the relationship has an unstable attachment style. This feedback loop is known as the “Cycle of Abuse” in psychology. 

Trauma bonds with a cycle of abuse can occur in many different relationships aside from romantic ones, as shown in the figure below.

Such a volatile environment isn’t ideal for many, thus they reasonably try to escape. Positive support can be hard for those in these circumstances to find because you’re more likely to attract damaged people when you are damaged yourself (Schwartz et al. 2006). Just because it may be difficult to secure, doesn’t mean it isn’t worth gunning for. Young people need positive environments in order to become positive people. Not only is living in the opposite stressful, it can also subconsciously blacken your future relationships. Nobody should have to go through what I went through, and my life goal is to instill understanding and confidence into anyone emotionally vulnerable like I was. Conversations among friends and peers are imperative for avoiding abuse, so I encourage you to take a chance and share your experiences with someone who feels safe, or someone you could guide you in the right direction— perhaps a therapist or social media interaction.

For your own sake, absolving yourself of domestic toxicity is vital for a calmer and healthier world view. It is solely your choice if you want the unhealthy dynamics that are first introduced to you to rule your life forever. 

It is not selfish to make your life about bettering yourself. Educate yourself on what to avoid, what you’re experiencing, and how you can break the cycle of abusive generational trauma for yourself and the people around you. 

Works Cited 

Altalib, H., AbuSulayman, A., & Altalib, O. (2013). The Family Unit: Why is it Important? What are its Functions? In Parent-Child Relations: A Guide to Raising Children (pp. 23–70). International Institute of Islamic Thought. https://doi.org/10.2307/j.ctvktrvqn.7

Craig, H., & Kippert, A. (2023, August 11). What is the cycle of abuse?. DomesticShelters.org. https://www.domesticshelters.org/articles/identifying-abuse/what-is-the-cycle-of-abuse 

Schwartz, J. P., Hage, S. M., Bush, I., & Burns, L. K. (2006). Unhealthy Parenting and Potential Mediators as Contributing Factors to Future Intimate Violence: A Review of the Literature. Trauma, Violence & Abuse, 7(3), 206–221. http://www.jstor.org/stable/26636186

Quinn, D., & Fletcher, S. (2024, March 13). Trauma bonding: Definition, stages, & recovery. Sandstone Care. https://www.sandstonecare.com/blog/trauma-bonding/